Much is written these days on the steady beauty and bounty of a gratitude practice. Appreciating what we have softens the edges of feeling not enough, of running out, of me vs you. I’ve played and practiced with it plenty, with a few surprising results.
The practice can take many forms. A short recollecting as the head hits the pillow leads you nicely to sleep. A quick daytime audit serves equally well - noting some of the many things I appreciate and am grateful for, be it the feeling of my feet nestled into my socks, as I sit and write this for you, or the warm of my sweatshirt on my arms, or the bounty and rich opportunity in my life; family, friends, work co-conspirators I care for, who care for me.
In here, though, a pinch.
To which I’ll return.
Gratitude and appreciations are, in the main, affirmations - or, put differently, cultivating a focus on and narrowing the light of attention on what we like. About ourselves, others, or the world at large. There is richness in this, obviously, but a shadow too. Shining the light only on what we like misses the terrain of that we don’t. And in here, maybe, the richest, if least palatable opportunity.
There is much I like about me.
I’m cool.
Great.
Funny.
Wise.
Quick witted.
Write like a dream.
Creative.
Well meaning.
Some of these are true.
And then their friends, the near cousins, the murky dark spots hiding in my soul.
Lazy
Judgemental
Grasping
Nervous
Self interested
Sad
Oh.
Writing in the Infinite Game, James Carse wrote that 'A player is an infinite player to the extent he puts his infirmities into play’. The infinite game is less about winning vs losing, it’s about the joy of participating, of rolling with the strokes, of surfing the river with joy and appreciation. It’s about focusing on the inputs and letting the outcomes take care of themselves. It’s a beautiful idea.
Our ability to play, however, as Carse points to is really in our ability to see beyond the affirmation and marinade too in our infirmities. Like my list above.
I see this playing out in my work.
LeanMind - or the Temple On The Hill, as it might become - is a path. A liminal space, if you like, where people can step in and experiment being a richer, more heart full version of who they are, and might be; a path to explore striving less and surfing more, between an old world crumbling and a new itching to be born. It increasingly touches on ideas important to me, my soul, and what feels important in the world right now:
Mystery.
Myth.
Connection.
Creativity.
Collaboration.
As a path, it can’t be for everyone. And people must be free to come and go as they wish, when they feel their work is done. Affirmation might orientate me each day to the positive in this. I play with a version of Gay Hendricks’ from this Big Leap book: Today I expand in love, success, abundance and inspire the same in others. Today I grow in care, creativity and connection and expand the same in others.
In this, however, is the earlier mentioned edge. The pinch.
There’s a place in my body, both flavour and actual edge, which doesn’t believe it. That doesnt feel like my success, love and abundance is growing, that doesn’t believe it’s allowed to; a place deep in my heart that doesn't feel worthy.
Fumbling around only in the light of what’s good misses this, the mud of the shadows where the lotus flower grows. In the feeling not good enough, unworthy or a little bit shit, as i’ve written about previously.
Fail to do notice this and those shadows keep tripping me up - worrying too much about people coming and going that I make it difficult for people to do exactly that. And in that, I hold them back, and me too. Their freedom is my freedom, if I can feel safe enough to know it. My nervousness becomes their edginess.
And in this, the practise, inverted.
Yes, affirm the goodness, of all that’s worth appreciating and to be grateful for. Assuming you’re reading this in the warm and comfort of a home, or wrapped in clothes, satiated - as you undoubtedly are, there is much to appreciate.
And don't stop there.
What happens when we allow the light of awareness to the mud too?
I feel grateful and appreciate that little bit of me, the younger part, who feels scared, who doesn't deserve success?
Can I feel grateful for the corner of my soul worried that all my clients and partners will walk away?
That I will be abandoned?
Can I feel for the boy who’s desperately trying to hold it all together?
Playing only to affirmation misses all these, and can cost heavy. Ultimately our shadows wish to be seen and the more we ignore, the more violently they’ll demand noticing, forming obstacles, failings, hurt, between where you are and wish to be.
And…
The Lotus flower.
When I bring these infirmities home, i feel the actual edge soften. A corner of my heart warms up. And in this warming there is love, curiosity and connection. It’s from here that imagination runs free and creativity finds root. It's here I feel alive.
Maybe this is what these times - rich in worry, deep in anxiety, alive with change (be it technological, ecological, political or economic - or all all at once) - demand of us? To reveal. To reveal what hides below the surface. To find our way through our infirmities to the richer ground, the fruits, the lotus flower of our hearts and navigate instead from here?
This is where I seek to sit, to play, to create from, connected as it is to ideas bigger than me.
Add infirmities into your practise. They need not be feared.
A player is an infinite player to the extent he puts his infirmities into play.
This a letter to me, as much as to you.